I know there are different sets of people preparing to read this article.
Some people want to scroll to the bolded quick-fix, one-liner that will cure all their woes.
Others are in the middle of healing and want to see if they’re implementing the best practices.
And surprisingly, this includes some people that initiated the breakup but are on the fence about moving on.
No matter who you are, I want to start by saying you’re brave for facing your current situation and looking for a healthy technique to move on.
No matter what I write about, I want to give you a sense of community.
Now that we got over the sweet stuff, I’ll throw a hard truth at you and destroy everything you know.
I am kidding.
Breakups are difficult. It is a transition in your life, and it feels like you have nothing but time to think about it.
We have to create a constructive use of that time to move on.
I’ll give you a powerful technique that will help you heal and move on.
…
Pit stop
Before we get into the solution, we have to break down what is causing the issue.
Breakups are tough for many reasons; you spend time with another person, share personal details, have intimate moments, and have to “undo” the life you were building with someone.
When the relationship ends, you feel the void that is left behind. You think your ex is the only person who can fill that gap.
You are comfortable with them and think you would struggle to start over and find that same experience with someone else.
The problem is that you must understand what makes you miss that person. Or the thing that makes you think you’re missing the person.
You feel like you are attached to that person because they were the ones who provided a sense of security and fulfilled your needs.
Pause right there.
Do you see what just happened?
The truth is that you are not feeling the void of the physical person.
You feel the void of the sense of security and fulfillment of your needs you had during your relationship.
You attach their name and physical body to the link between that newfound gap filling.
It would be ridiculous to say it would be impossible for you to find love again, right?
It is not only ridiculous because we all know you can meet someone new.
It is ridiculous because there is someone out there who can fulfill your needs.
Rose colored glasses
Your conscious mind knows it’s time to let go, your subconscious mind is emotionally attached to getting the person back to fill that void.
We have all moved on from a relationship and felt stuck. You are not stuck because the person is gone. You can move on.
When you are attached to getting an ex back, you are making yourself fill that void as fast as possible.
Your brain tells you that getting the person back is the quickest way to heal. When you cannot get that person back, you feel stuck “not having your needs met.”
That is why you will bypass everything you know is wrong about that relationship and only see the positives a person brought to your life.
You won’t think about the arguments, misaligned values, boundaries they ignored, or the life you had before they came into it.
You can only think about the great qualities they brought into your life, the void of that person filling your needs, and the “wonderful life” they’re living with someone else.
The list
Alright, I strung you along to this point in the article, but let’s get to the juice.
Get a pen and a piece of paper, or use your computer. Draw a line down the center of it.
Next, write down all the positives the person brought into your life on one side.
Great!
On the other side, write down all the downsides of what they brought into your life. It might take time to put this idea together, but I’ll give you an example.
“I felt like I could be open and honest with them and tell them any secrets I wouldn’t expose to other people.”
But.
“When I wanted to talk about conflict or why the relationship shouldn’t end, they shut me out.”
Or.
“We would unwind by taking a long walk in the park, then coming home to make dinner.”
but
“Instead of writing on Medium daily, I would only write two or three times per week.”
You’ll find a downside to every positive you believe the person brought to your life and “can’t” live without.
This activity works because it separates you from the belief that the value and quality of your life went down now that the person is gone.
It shows you that every positive they are “stripping away” is not leaving a void but opening a path for you to provide yourself with a positive.
You can self-soothe and create a path to emotional healing, but you must implement new practices to reframe your thoughts.
You will realize more in this process.
- You can fulfill your needs, and you don’t have to depend on another person.
- The technique isn’t to trash the other person but to show yourself that you had a life that existed before them and will have a healthy one after.
- You’ll notice your attachment to wanting your needs fulfilled rather than the dependency you think you have on your ex.
…
Breakups are not quick fixes. It takes some time to get used to the transition and reframe your attachment to that person.
I know what else is on your mind too. You want to be at the end, past the pain, past the heartbreak, and in front of that new person in the future.
You think you can’t meet someone new.
Guess what?
Just like you were living in a time before your ex came along, you probably had the same thought.
Be patient.
Heal.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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