Life’s all about time!
From birth, everything a child does prepares her for the outside world. As she learns to crawl, she takes her first step towards independence.
When kids are young, we envision forever with them, unconsidering a time will come when they’ll grow and, like a bird, seek their path. The home, a nest that’s nourished them all these years, becomes their limitation.
It’s a natural thing. Why do we then not also think the same about our relationships?
Ask every divorcee what happened, and most likely, the answer is, “they changed.”
Somehow, we expect people to be the same. To show up the same way they showed up when we met them. We’re all guilty of this.
(Like the scribblers of old love to exclaim,) O ye man, knoweth not that people change? They do so because everything is subject to change.
When people go through tough times together, something happens to both of them. Which affects how we perceive life — and how we express ourselves. Creating an unconscious change in our elements.
In the same way, our subconscious helps us adjust to the daily incremental growth from when they wear diapers to when they start saying “mummy I want to pee.”
Therefore, as you go through life with your spouse, don’t assume you two are still the same people. You should strive to catch up with each other. Or you’ll wake up one day, and cringe at the sight of a stranger on your bed. The problem that arises in our relationships is the refusal to accept the change that occurs in our partners while expecting them to flow with the change happening in us.
A woman may fancy her man being carefree and fun until she’s in the labour room sweating — and hears her man talking and laughing with nurses outside. At that moment, she isn’t thrilled about him being carefree and fun.
The same quality that she loved about him is now the same quality that would make her hate him. Why?
Situations have changed. And so are her desires. There’s someone inside her calling for her to grow up.
She’s reaching into her depths to get that little one out — and that process creates a transition from an old self into someone new. This new self, therefore, is alien to her spouse. Because the new self, besides many other things, comes with a different need, lives for a different purpose, and ultimately, burns with new desires.
Who she is now requires something different from her spouse. And if he does not observe carefully, he’d miss it — and call her a nag. And that could be the beginning of the end for both of them.
That your husband never complained about having junk for dinner for the past five years doesn’t mean he no longer loves you, when he wants something different.
How you handle transitioning affects your relationship. In fact, it is the determining factor.
Your commitment to your spouse should be to understand them at all times, even in the times that they make it impossible to understand them. To understand a person you must see things from their own perspective. Take yourself away from the picture and objectively look at them. When you can feel what they feel, you’d know what is required of you to do, say and give at the moment.
Love is something special, you might never find it twice. Hold your spouse down no matter what — as long as your eyes sparkle at each other when they meet.
Bear in mind, people grow — and we’ve all got different ways we deal with challenges. So when your partner goes through a unique phase in life, take a step back to observe what this change is bringing. And when you do a good job of listening, they’ll tell you how they want to be loved.
Lastly, to be a great lover is to be a great listener.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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