Rediscovering the Spark: Unleashing the Power of Polarity in Your Relationship

What is Polarity? 

Newton’s Law tells us that equal and opposite energies are found in every part of nature.

Cause and effect, Yin and Yang, masculine and feminine, the initiating and the yielding, giving and receiving, leading and following, light and dark, heaven and earth, each opposite plays its role in creating the whole.

Most of us flow easily between these roles. One moment we’re following someone’s lead in conversation or agreeing to someone else’s plans for dinner and the next we’re giving directives to the babysitter, or describing how you want your meal prepared in a restaurant.

When we’re standing in line for our morning coffee, we’re being guided to do what is necessary to get our coffee. When we give our coffee order we’re guiding the barista in how to make a coffee that pleases us. Neither you nor the barista is superior to the other. You are equal parts to a whole in a mutual agreement to get both of your needs met. You’re getting your coffee and she’s doing an efficient job for her paycheck.

Unless there’s a noted undercurrent of attraction between you and the person taking your coffee order, this is not an erotically charged scenario of polarity, but the polarity of leading and following is inherent in a couple’s polarity.

The Power of Polarity in Creating Passionate Relationships

Polarity is necessary in keeping passion alive in a relationship. It’s the yin and the yang of a union. The opposite and equal energies that are found everywhere in our natural world and cosmos.

An intimate relationship with polarity has a magnetic attraction of opposing sides, an attraction that draws together two opposites to create a whole. There is no way to understand light without the existence of dark. There is no masculine energy without feminine energy or vice versa.

Neither is superior nor more powerful. They are equal and opposite aspects of our human nature, and both the masculine and feminine reside in all of us.

Couples who have discovered their authentic sexual polarity will often:

  • Maintain that erotic spark outside of the bedroom
  • Tend to see each other through ‘lover’s eyes’
  • Tease and flirt with each other in the midst of their day
  • More easily locate their desire and show it to their partner, making them feel wanted and appreciated
  • Share a lingering kiss, a sensual embrace or a loving squeeze of the butt
  • Text sexy thoughts from the office in anticipation of a planned playdate
  • Enjoy high degrees of sexual confidence

And if you’re familiar with Dr. Sue Johnson’s attachment style teachings, they’ll both experience the ‘secure attachment’ that a strong connection brings.

A couple lacking polarity might describe their relationship by saying:

  • I feel like we’ve become more roommates than lovers.
  • Neither of us feel motivated to be sexual anymore.
  • It’s easier to just watch TV and cuddle than it is to have sex.
  • Our relationship has become platonic like we’re brother and sister.
  • We know everything there is to know about each other. There’s no mystery.
  • We have sex but it feels awkward and stilted.
  • We both want to initiate so we’re trying to please each other at the same time.
  • Or we both want to be seduced so neither of us will initiate something.

Sometimes a couple will exclaim, “oh we’re each other’s best friend.”

On the surface it sounds idyllic. But what you gain in partnering with your best friend you lose in the sexual pull that creates desire, lustful anticipation for erotic escapes, the excitement of seeing your partner as a sexual object.

Without the polarity of opposites couples can settle into a sameness that creates comfort and security, and an intimacy that feels almost familial. Sooner or later attraction is replaced with a brotherly or sisterly relating that can deaden the spark of desire, or at least give it a back seat in intimacy.

What was once sexual attraction coming from equal and opposite energies now feels unmotivated, predictable, lacking the tension of the polar pull.

When it comes to sex, sameness does not create the erotic friction that makes passion come alive. Sexual polarity comes alive in the play of opposites, leader and follower, pursuer and pursued, directive masculine energy and receptive feminine energy.

Masculine vs Feminine Energy: What’s Gender Got To Do With It?

Gender, has little to do with polarity.

Everyone, regardless of gender, embodies masculine/yang energy and feminine/yin energy.

As we slowly chip away at society’s gender biases we’re learning to identify where we fall on the broad spectrum of masculine and feminine energy.

Finding balance within our inherent masculine/feminine energy helps partners recognize and accept how to support polarity within themselves and in their relationship.

The more we understand who we inherently are energetically, the more we can loosen the grip of gender stereotypes that don’t necessarily reflect what our experience is.

The CEO who spends their days in a masculine, directive role may long to relinquish control and be told what to do.

The nurturer who spends their days in a more feminine energy, taking care of and submitting to the requests of others may long to take the reins and be in charge.

When we accept who we authentically are on the scale of masculine and feminine energy we start to understand our own internal polarity, and then explore how polarity can shift the dynamic in our relationship.

Finding Your Authentic Path to Polarity – A Case Study

When Brad and Jenna came to see me for their first coaching session they expressed the number one most common complaint I hear from long-term couples. They had lost sexual desire and attraction.

They both felt it was Brad’s problem. Jenna wanted Brad to be more assertive with her in the bedroom. And Brad had no idea how to invoke the kind of energy Jenna was needing.

Because of this disconnect sex had become routine and predictably unsatisfying, often leaving them in the void of what was missing, and the silent disappointment that it may never change.

This resentment impacted other parts of their relationship. It strained their patience with each other’s shortcomings and bickering became part of their daily routine.

Jenna found her attention drifting to men who embodied the kind of energy she was missing in Brad. She confessed to me that she felt dangerously close to secretly seeking that energy outside of the relationship.

Jenna’s work as a lawyer, required her to be solidly planted in her masculine energy.

When she got home from work, she brought that same level of directive energy to her family life, and her relationship. She felt the need to call the shots, make the decisions, and lead the way.

It didn’t take long to observe that Jenna’s own masculine energy was keeping Brad from finding his own masculine energy in the relationship . As long as she was taking the reins in and out of the bedroom Brad was inclined to assume the polar role with a more submissive demeanor of wanting to please and be of service.

This only solidified Jenna’s own need to be in the directive role and undermined her respect for Brad. Their relationship had polarity but not in a way that worked for them and their relationship.

Finding the Path Back to Passion

The shift back to polarity for Jenna and Brad didn’t happen on just a conceptual level, it came about through somatic exercises that connected both of them to parts of themselves that were dormant. By playing with erotic power through tools such as archetypes, physical experiencing and roleplay they found their polarities beginning to shift.

As Jenna relaxed the more masculine energy that she needed in her work environment, and felt safe enough to embody her more feminine side at home, she stopped focusing on Brad’s deficits and began to trust his decisions and directives.

Brad began to embrace his own sexual desire for his own pleasure rather than his need to please Jenna. This strengthened his capacity to confidently take charge. Jenna could let go and enjoy being ravished by Brad, while Brad was being fed by her receptivity and desire.

They found a dynamic that fueled their desire and attraction of opposing energies.

Their undercurrent of resentment and daily competition made way for an appreciation and respect for each other’s new roles. They learned that it’s not about becoming someone different than who they are, but rather connecting with parts of themselves they had abandoned over the years.

Celebrating The Power of Polarity In Long-Term Relationships

We all embody both masculine and feminine energy. Today we accept that gender is no longer a binary concept, but rather a broad spectrum of energies.

When we accept our place on this spectrum of masculine/feminine energy we can explore different sides of ourselves in relationship to our partners. While unhealthy relationship dynamics are formed unconsciously, healthy dynamics can be formed with intention.

Relationship and intimacy coaching teaches couples about polarity, as well as all the tools to build a happy, fulfilling life together.

What is the dance of polarity in your relationship? Are you in the flow of your dance, or are you stepping on each other’s toes?

Ready to explore how the dance of opposites can bring more passion into your life? Don’t miss this opportunity to discover how polarity can work for you.

Schedule your free discovery Call now and let’s dive into your unique situation. With my expertise and support, you’ll gain valuable insights and strategies to navigate this dance with confidence.

You deserve to experience the full spectrum of emotions and create a life you’re truly passionate about. So, take action today and schedule your call!

Click here to get started!




This post was previously published on Love, Sex, and Desire.



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The post Rediscovering the Spark: Unleashing the Power of Polarity in Your Relationship appeared first on The Good Men Project.

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